I received a call from Omar, the program manager in NPC, for a job interview. When I heard his voice I already knew he was someone very close and special to me. His voice was like a song when you hear it for the first time. It was like the voice of birds singing alone on a tree at night. Who is he? I asked myself. Why do I feel he is so close to me? I wondered about how the interview would go. Lots of questions for which I had no answers were in my mind…
The next day I went to my math class, and while I was there one of my friends called me and told me not to go anywhere because the condition of the capital, Kabul was not so good. A group of suicide bombers had attacked the Ministry of Education, Ministry of Justice and two more places around the city…
My mother’s job was at Ministry of Justice.
In one minute I thought, I am lost. I am no more in this world. I thought about my mom, mother jaan. Mother jaan, my hopes of happiness are destroyed. I remembered my mother’s smiling face and her kindness. How could I pass days and nights without her? Who would be kind to me? I cried and cried … I took my mobile to call my mother, my heart beating hard as I dialed the number. Suddenly I heard a voice: sorry you don’t have enough credit to call this number.
I left class and went to nearest shop to buy a credit card for my phone. I can’t express how I was feeling. I only remember that I was not under my control. Evil thoughts were hurting me – your mom died, your mom died, she is no more.
I dialed my mom’s number 0700-24-34. I forgot her number, so I checked my diary and dialed the number again. Finally the phone ranged. bez bez bez. Was there anyone to pick up the phone and say hello? I was unable to control my tears. Suddenly I heard a slow voice: Sana jaan, Sana jaan? Hello, hello?
My dear daughter, said my mother, I think they will kill us. We can’t go anywhere. Sana jaan, take care of yourself, my sweet daughter. I love you. You … know I will die. I am waiting, said my mother. And she started crying.
I was not only crying. Blood was in my tears, not only for my mom, but for all the people who were with mom. I had the same feeling for them. That day had a bloody color. I thought no one would be alive. They would kill all. I didn’t want to get off the mobile. I wanted to hear mom’s voice.
Sana jaan, take care … take care my sweet child.
I went to the street to watch this bad day of attacks on the TVs from the stores. Some channels were reporting live. Everywhere had a terrible picture. I don’t exactly know, but I thought it was around four o’clock when mom was safe at home. She was in a bad condition. I went to the hospital with her. She was in shock from seeing a suicide bomber killed by a soldier in front of her eyes. After the doctors checked mom, we went back home. I looked at my mom’s kind face and still couldn’t believe she was with me.
I missed my interview. I forgot I was searching for a job. It was getting dark and I was still worried. I remembered I had an interview at 2:00 that afternoon, so I sent a message. I wrote that I was sorry, but I was worried for my mom. I told him she worked at the Ministry of Justice, and I couldn’t come for the interview. He replied with concern. “Is she back home?” He also wrote that my interview would be rescheduled for tomorrow.
The next day I went to his office for the interview. I was worried. Would I get the job? Would I fail? How much would be the salary? Who would I meet? And suddenly I remembered his friendly voice. I interviewed successfully. I got the job. After three weeks, I was changed. I had nice dreams about him. He was like flowers. He was the most handsome man I had ever seen. He was intelligent. He was the only ideal man of my life. I think God created him that way.
During those days he asked me lots of questions. I didn’t have the courage to ask him even one. I couldn’t even look at his face. But why was I thinking so deeply about him? I thought about him all days and nights. Did I love him? Yes. It was not my fault. My heart loved him. Strange thoughts were hurting me. How do I tell him, I love you?
Finally I decided to be brave and tell him all my feelings. I called him. He was tired and his voice had a pain, a pain I could feel. I asked him, “Are you ok?”
He replied, “No, I am not ok. I think about my life. I miss her. I really miss her, Sana jaan. I miss my wife.”
I asked him sadly, “Oh, you are married?” I can’t express how sad I was when I heard it.
Tears came from my eyes and I turned off the mobile and cried deeply. My green hopes, desires, and dreams were finished, and my heart was broken.
I have no one to tell my story to. I tell my story for myself. My strange soul is unknown for me. I am sure my loneliness makes a story of sorrow, sorrows from a lonely girl. Still, I want to be alive, as the birds like the trees. He appeared in my thirsty eyes, and disappeared like a secret.